The wedding season is here! There are literally two reasons why I attend weddings:
1) Hot dudes
2) Awesome food
So when my parents ask me to join them to attend someoneâ€™s wedding, there is a simple calculation that runs in my mind-
My chances of attending a wedding = No. of food counters/hours I have to torture myself in heels X No. of hot dudes that might be in that wedding
The odds should be in my favor. I mean straight up we Indians take wedding as a serious deal, because it is the only time we get out our life style saving and spend it like â€˜ Iâ€™ve got stacks on the deck hommieâ€™ on their Doomsday or what the call it wedding day - That DESIGNER DRESS, THEME WEDDING, 7 CONTINENTAL FOOD COUNTERS hmmmmmhmm. I mean everything should be perfect from the Groom to the Ghodi on which he will be sitting on during the barath; a check in the box. Speaking of weddings December is the month during all of this action will be happening. So if youâ€™re an Indian, strap yourself you have to attend a lot of them. No matter how big or small a wedding is you will find these types of people in EVERY INDIAN WEDDING.
1. The Jewellery Shop
â€œHaanji yeh nayi wali set hai, who designer collection launch hua than a to mere Hubby ne Khardi li mere liye, aap bhi gold main invest karna bahut profitable hainjiâ€ this is what you would have to bear with when you are accidentally seated with this walking Gold shop. This is the aunty who will judge any lady in the wedding by the jewellery she is wearing, even if that lady is Queen Elizabeth.the gold this aunty would be wearing could be an estimate of how many years of tax payment his husband might have missed. Even Snoop Dogg would have complex if he looked at her. Not only this, all the bling bling would enrage the Bride and get her thinking â€œlike Lady, this is my Wedding! You up in my hood, tryin to compete with me?â€ Diamonds are Girls best friend, but for this lady it is her Hommie!
2. The Drunken Uncle
In India, this is more of a wedding tradition. There is always this one person who probably is someoneâ€™s chachu or mammu who cleans up the liquor counter and goes crazy. Doing whacky dance steps and waving his money at the bandwalas. This person would find his co-competitor; another drunken chachu or mammu and start a dance off with him. All said and done, this uncle is the one who bring the jann(life) into the wedding because his crazy moves are like magnets and pulls everyone into the dance floor.
3. The Eye Candies
This Chokra or Chokri is what you call the â€˜next hot thangâ€™. They would probably the younger sister or brother of the bride or groom. Their clothes, hair and make up would be on fleek. Walking around like they own the place, greeting aunties and uncles and the aunties would be hushing on how pretty they are looking or how they would be the next in line for their doomsday ( getting married :p) and you would be sitting there trying to eavesdrop to know the dudes name so that you can search him on facebook #LifeGoals.
4. The Wedding Planners
REJECTED**** SCANNING****TARGET ACQUIRED****
Height- 6â€0, Male
Education â€“ MBA
**** MATCH FOUND****
This is actually what is going on in the mind of Grannies sitting besides each other like a boss in the wedding, advising aunties with kids edging the â€™Old Enough To Be Married Offâ€™ or â€˜Time To Kick Them Offâ€™ age on who is the most suitable â€˜Rishtaaâ€™ for their kids. They would be having all the updated information on the eligible bachelors and spinsters in the room, name the person and you will have the complete biodata about that person dictated to you! These grans can put google search to shame so much that it would bury its face in the ground like dumb ostrich. So if you are one of those unmarried person edging your â€˜to be married offâ€™ age, keep you moms away from these cupids sidekicks so that you can spent the next few days in peace.
5. The Hoarders
This is my favorite type of person in a wedding, the ultimate foodie. I think this is what must me going in his mind
Give me that Butter Chicken, Give me that Rogan Josh.
That Paplet fry and that Mutton Gosh
That Cherry Cocktail, That Spicy Kathi Roll
Now put some Rajbogh Ice-cream in my Bowl
You can easily spot this person; his plate would be too small for the mound of stuff heâ€™d be carrying in it. So if you want to have a sneak peek of whatâ€™s in the menu, all you have to do is peep into his plate. Simply because this person is talented enough to get the whole Buffet menu in his plate!